Sex in the City
Tim is a high school sophomore living with an aunt. His mother, who lives within a few miles, has struggled with addiction difficulties and hasn't been able to provide reliable parenting. Tim is an attractive, charming young man with an addictive smile. He is also counting on that charm to let him coast through life with very little effort. That charm, and teenage hormonal development, make him an attractive target for a good number of girls.
Tim confided, pretty much out of the blue one afternoon, his legal troubles. He was due in court later in the week and was a bit nervous. It turns out that it wasn't overly significant, some curfew violations and school attendance problems. After some conversation and some coaching around how he might respond to the judge about his probation ending, again, pretty much out of the blue, the talk drifted into girlfriend troubles. Then, he confessed, he was also in the midst of a pregnancy scare with his current girlfriend. She would go to the clinic tomorrow for "the" answer.
That conversation established a confidence that Tim used many times to ask for advice. At times it was advice I could provide, and at other times I had to admit the answers were out of my league and encouraged him to seek out a counselor inside or outside of school. Later, after an innocent, "So how are you doing?" Tim asked to talk in the hallway.
"Man, I forgot to tell you. I think I got a girl pregnant." It turns out that earlier in the year his girlfriend was not pregnant. "I don't know who to talk to. I can't tell my aunt, she'll kick me out." It also turns out that this girl whom "he really didn't care about," snuck into his bedroom window at his aunt's and spent the night. This was only one of three girls that he was currently seeing and sexually active with. One was a "real girlfriend." "I'm going to the clinic with her tomorrow and I just really don't know what to do."
It is a dreaded moment. What can I say? What can't I say? What should I say? What shouldn't I say? What would the ensuing conversation look like to an outsider? What responsibility do I have and to whom? There is an easy way out. Something like, "I'm afraid I really can't offer any advice . . . maybe you should talk to fill-in-the-blank." Or, I could take the route of the "no sex" lecture and bask in moral purity. But then, am I shirking an opportunity and a responsibility to someone who has trusted enough to confide, and who has just said that he doesn't have anyone else to talk to? Will his peers give him good advice if he turns to them? Doubtful, at best. And what about the girls involved? Is there any responsibility to them? With the specter of AIDS and other biological consequences, this is indeed a potentially life and death situtation. I don't even know if anyone has ever sat Tim down to give him a "sex talk." I guess I just hope that the health curriculum dealt with this. Someone else's responsibility then.
Besides and beyond the academic debates over abstinence or sex-ed curricula or legal and personal liabilities, the reality is a young man standing in my presence asking for some kind of adult help. And there are no guarantees, no perfectly scripted responses, that any particular discussion or advice will be the correct one. Certainly, the consequences of the response could be enormous, both for Tim and myself. Certainly his current sexual promiscuity and pregnancy scares are a problem. What is the most humane, wise option to choose?
What would you do?
Tim confided, pretty much out of the blue one afternoon, his legal troubles. He was due in court later in the week and was a bit nervous. It turns out that it wasn't overly significant, some curfew violations and school attendance problems. After some conversation and some coaching around how he might respond to the judge about his probation ending, again, pretty much out of the blue, the talk drifted into girlfriend troubles. Then, he confessed, he was also in the midst of a pregnancy scare with his current girlfriend. She would go to the clinic tomorrow for "the" answer.
That conversation established a confidence that Tim used many times to ask for advice. At times it was advice I could provide, and at other times I had to admit the answers were out of my league and encouraged him to seek out a counselor inside or outside of school. Later, after an innocent, "So how are you doing?" Tim asked to talk in the hallway.
"Man, I forgot to tell you. I think I got a girl pregnant." It turns out that earlier in the year his girlfriend was not pregnant. "I don't know who to talk to. I can't tell my aunt, she'll kick me out." It also turns out that this girl whom "he really didn't care about," snuck into his bedroom window at his aunt's and spent the night. This was only one of three girls that he was currently seeing and sexually active with. One was a "real girlfriend." "I'm going to the clinic with her tomorrow and I just really don't know what to do."
It is a dreaded moment. What can I say? What can't I say? What should I say? What shouldn't I say? What would the ensuing conversation look like to an outsider? What responsibility do I have and to whom? There is an easy way out. Something like, "I'm afraid I really can't offer any advice . . . maybe you should talk to fill-in-the-blank." Or, I could take the route of the "no sex" lecture and bask in moral purity. But then, am I shirking an opportunity and a responsibility to someone who has trusted enough to confide, and who has just said that he doesn't have anyone else to talk to? Will his peers give him good advice if he turns to them? Doubtful, at best. And what about the girls involved? Is there any responsibility to them? With the specter of AIDS and other biological consequences, this is indeed a potentially life and death situtation. I don't even know if anyone has ever sat Tim down to give him a "sex talk." I guess I just hope that the health curriculum dealt with this. Someone else's responsibility then.
Besides and beyond the academic debates over abstinence or sex-ed curricula or legal and personal liabilities, the reality is a young man standing in my presence asking for some kind of adult help. And there are no guarantees, no perfectly scripted responses, that any particular discussion or advice will be the correct one. Certainly, the consequences of the response could be enormous, both for Tim and myself. Certainly his current sexual promiscuity and pregnancy scares are a problem. What is the most humane, wise option to choose?
What would you do?
posted by curtis @ 4:26 PM
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